How to Keep Boundaries During the Holiday Season
Are you still remembering your boundaries around the holidays?
One of the most challenging aspects of holiday time is trying to remember that we have boundaries and being consistent with them at a time when we are also looking forward to connecting with loved ones. Boundaries, or guidelines/limits, help us to connect with others while also staying true to what we need in order to have safe and meaningful relationships.
We want you to learn the steps to take to keep your boundaries while still connecting with others during this busy season in a meaningful way.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a guide for you to follow or a limit that you have set. The purpose of boundaries is to help us stay within our ‘window of tolerance’ so that we can think and feel at the same time. This helps us to connect with others.
Often, when we feel depleted it is because we have not set the guidelines or limits needed in order to preserve our emotional, mental or physical health. Boundaries are a way of saying, "This is what I'm willing to do or give in order to be my best self. This is what I'm not willing to do or give because it depletes me. If you are not able to respect my limits, then I'll have to disengage.”
To build healthy boundaries, you need to know yourself well enough to realize the point that you begin to feel depleted and create that boundary prior to reaching that point. You also need to be able to communicate those boundaries clearly and consistently. Some key phrases are “I am unable to do that right now,” or “I don’t feel comfortable with that.” These can be scary to say out loud but they are effective.
Boundaries can be defined as:
The limits of your personal space, time, energy and resources.
The limits on how much information you share with others.
The limits on what you do for yourself (like hobbies, interests and self-care).
The limits on what you allow others to do for you.
Knowing Your Boundaries Is Knowing Yourself
Most of us are not taught boundaries and have a hard time learning them as adults. Saying what we feel, what we want and what we don’t want can be scary. I used to be scared that people wouldn’t like me if I set limits.
When we talk about boundaries, we tend to focus on the boundaries between us and others. But in reality, our most important boundaries are with ourselves because if we don’t know what our limits are, we can’t set them.
When you're at your best, when you feel most authentic, you're able to keep the limits you have set for yourself while still being open to connecting with others.
And that's what healthy boundaries do. They help us be more authentic. They help us keep our sense of self separate from other people's expectations and needs. They allow us to be who we are without feeling like we have to be something else for someone else’s benefit.
When we are able to be true to ourselves, we actually can connect with others in a more meaningful way.
Effective Ways to Keep Your Boundaries
Here are some effective ways to set and keep boundaries:
Start with the smaller boundaries that protect your peace.
Do not engage in divisive interactions. If someone's being really combative or divisive, then your personal boundary would be to withdraw from the conversation or change the subject.
Remember, we can't control what other people say, what they think or how they feel about us. But we can control our own thoughts and feelings. For example, if someone is lashing out at you then try taking a step back and pause before you respond. My goal is always to respond in a way that keeps me within my window of tolerance (the ability to think and feel at the same time).
Guard your time. If you are not careful with your time, you can become worn down and tired, which leads to easily losing our ability to regulate our emotions. Of course, you don't want to lose your emotional regulation because when we are regulated, or within our ‘window of tolerance,’ we are able to connect with other people. Make sure you have built in time to restore yourself so that you can connect with others in loving and meaningful ways.
Start saying ‘NO’. It's hard to say ‘no,’ especially when you feel worried about pleasing others. But saying “no” is one of the most important ways to keep your boundaries intact. One simple way to help yourself learn to say “no” is to let the person know that you need to think about their request and get back to them. This helps you pause, assess if you actually have the time/energy to meet the request and go from there. By saying ‘no,’ you can actually protect your relationships because you are avoiding resentment and burnout.
Be flexible with your boundaries. Not all people are the same. As a parent, you have to be flexible with some of your boundaries because each child is different and has different needs. You have to actually consider what the purpose of the boundary is? Is it for you to control them? Or is it because you are concerned about their safety and well-being? And will this actually help with the overall goal of the boundary?
Being in healthy relationships with our children, partners or friends requires that we have boundaries and flexible thinking.
Be humble with your boundaries. When we approach setting limits with humility and kindness, we can focus on the reason we need the limit. For me, it is usually because I am overwhelmed or depleted and need to recharge in order to be my best for my family and friends. If I am using a harsh tone or sarcasm when I am explaining my boundary or using it as a weapon to control others, this goes against the reason for the boundary. Remember, ultimately, we want to have better connections with people and so having limits will help us to stay mentally fit and connect as our highest selves.
When we make mistakes, are too harsh or don’t stick to our personal ethical framework when setting or keeping our boundaries, practice humility by learning to retreat from arguments and apologize when needed. Memorize the ability to retreat, take responsibility, apologize and make a repair attempt. This pattern will ensure that even when you aren’t “doing boundaries” perfectly, you will still be able to to try again and make connection the priority.
How to Help Others Respect Your Boundaries
Be consistent with your boundaries. Again, we can't change others, we can only change ourselves. Being consistent helps reinforce our limits. It can be hard for others to get used to our new limits or boundaries if they haven’t experienced us setting them before.
Be clear about the things you want and don't want. Let the other person know what your expectations are, and stick to them with kindness. Repetition is effective when others seem to have a difficult time honoring your limits. We call this the “broken record” technique. Repeating your boundary in slightly different variations will help to reinforce them with those who seem unable or unwilling to respect your limits.
Essentially, boundaries are intended to enhance our emotional regulation, even during conflicts. If you think about it, boundaries are a type of constructive conflict resolution tool. It allows people to stand up for themselves by understanding what their boundaries are, by communicating them effectively to others in a way that's open and honest, while maintaining a respectful interaction.
This is how we grow stronger interpersonal relationships. And by setting standards of behavior on our end, we will attract people into our lives that are drawn to healthy relationships.
Are you having a hard time setting your boundaries? We can guide you! I invite you to join The Whole Health Lab. Your all-inclusive, online portal to understand yourself more and protect your relationships while also healing from the toxic stress of modern living.
