The Real Definition of Perfectionism
Today we will discuss the definitions of perfectionism, trauma and how human connection affects both.
Let's talk trauma
Trauma is an event that causes intense fear and a disruption in the nervous system. It can be a one-time event; it can be events that take place over a period of time, it can also be something that you didn't get in childhood, such as a healthy attachment to a parent, or the attunement, which is a parent's ability to read the emotions of their child. Trauma can occur from a very different place for different people.
There can be one event in a family, and it can cause trauma for one family member and not the others. And so, trauma can be individualized depending on a lot of factors. One factor is how connected that family member felt afterward to an individual they felt could help regulate them.
What is perfectionism?
Perfectionism is really about a set of behaviors and thoughts. Perfectionism can show symptoms through thoughts or behaviors, as our thoughts lead to emotions, and our emotions, lead to behaviors.
One crucial thing to ensure is that we are not labeling ourselves. For example, by saying, "I am not a perfectionist. I have perfectionist tendencies."
How does human connection affect trauma and perfectionism?
If you have perfectionist tendencies, you may recognize some of these behaviors or thoughts. For example, having extremely high standards and expectations for yourself and others. Often that comes with critical views of others, as well as criticism of yourself, a fear of failure, believing yourself inherently unlikable, or perhaps unworthy.
People with perfectionistic tendencies tend not to tolerate the mistakes of other people, as well as themselves. As a result, they can often procrastinate, and this procrastination is about putting off what we can't do perfectly. So if it's not perfect, we don't want to put it out to the world or for others to see. Along with dissatisfaction with our achievements, even when other people perceive them as exceptional.
Moving forward
When we realize that these traits are not our fault, that they were set up in our subconscious brain to avoid being criticized, yelled at, punished, shamed, or humiliated, we can appreciate the development of those traits because they did help us survive. While they were beneficial in the moment, and sometimes even now, it's a set of beliefs and behaviors based on events in the past.
Perfectionism can sever connections because we're so concerned about the outcome and not the people. We want to become more present and more focused on what's happening now, so that our past is not bribing our behaviors and our beliefs.
